Monday, October 10, 2011

Tory peer solves national obesity crisis

As if the government didn't have enough to worry about with the economy, Libya and Big Brother evictions David Cameron has been exercising his mind on how to solve the national obesity crisis. One idea being kicked about is a "fat tax" in order to discourage the consumption of high fat foods and get two ton teenagers off our streets. It all sounds a bit complicated though because fats are a necessary part of our diet and calories don't just come from fats.

However, Dave need not worry because one of his own peers has solved the problem. In a landmark speech to the Lords last Thursday Lord McColl of Dulwich patiently explained to the upper chamber the way for people to lose weight was for them to eat less.

How much more intellectual talent within its own ranks is being neglected and under-utilised by this government?

Stupid TV presenters

Why do TV presenters (weather forecasters are especially guilty) sign off with: "See you later".

No you won't see me later; you do not have a camera in my TV or sitting room you dolt.

It has been a year - and I am still as grumpy as ever

It has been a year since I was last here and a lot has happened. Mostly bad. But I shall now pick up again where I left off.... well sort of.

Let's start with this week's irritations.

1. Why do "celebrities" (my most hated word) seem to think that because they have been in a few films, made a fool of themselves on reality TV or just bared their boobs to the world it somehow qualifies them to pontificate on matters of national importance?

2. And why do even serious newspapers like the Telegraph give them column inches?

The latest example is Hugh Grant (by his own admission here, a one-trick pony) who now apparently believes he is qualified to tell the Metropolitan Police how they should be conducting the NoW phone hacking inquiry. Telegraph

Coming soon ..... Wayne Rooney sets out a new peace plan for the Middle East, Katie Price explains the flaws in Stephen Hawking's theories on dark matter and following his intervention in the Raoul Moat stand-off Paul Gascoigne offers to help negotiate the release of the woman kidnapped in Kenya and being held by Somali pirates.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

What women don't understand - men's dreams

Women live in a strange world that revolves around shoes, handbags and lists for the cleverer minority and Simon Cowell for the dimmer ones. This is why they don't understand the parallel universe that men inhabit where everything is possible.

In this universe a man gets home from the supermarket and washes his Peugeot. Again. Then you hear on the news that Alonso has pranged his Ferrari in the latest Grand Prix and Massa needs a new racing partner. And you think: "I could do that after the way I took that roundabout at 30.007 mph". Well, it could happen.

But while waiting for the phone call from Italy which never came because BT dropped the line you hear that the latest Status Quo gig looks like being cancelled because Rick Parfitt has a bug of some sort. This isn't a problem really because after all that practice with the air guitar you could easily take over and avoid tens of thousands of fans being disappointed. Well, it could happen.

But you don't get that email from Francis Rossi because the internet is playing up, so you decide to go to the match instead. You don your replica shirt and look in the mirror, breathe in and think: "There's a chance". You take your place in the 23rd row at Old Trafford and just as you are tucking into your third pie Sir Alex decides to take Rooney off and needs a substitute. But he has no suitable players so looks around the stadium and spots you and shouts: "You look like you can kick a ball - get down here!" Well, it could happen.

But before you can waddle down the steps the ref blows full time so you go home and decide to watch some television which is showing a medical drama. The patient is dying in theatre and the lead surgeon is completely stuck for ideas. This isn't a problem because you know that given a knife, scissors and elastoplast you can sort it out if the BBC just paged you. Well, it could happen.

But the BBC don't bleep you because all their technicians are on strike so you switch channels to learn that an aircraft is about to crash on London and the pilots are both dead. But you could easily sort this out by leaping on board from the top of Canary Wharf and landing the plane with no training whatsoever and just being talked down by Bruce Willis to the applause of hundreds of passengers. Well, it could happen.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Road safety lunatics lose the plot

This really beggars belief. Anybody with the slightest knowledge or understanding of road safety issues would surely recognise that one should keep ones eyes on the road when driving. Apparently not so in the village of Copley where a bunch of wankers calling themselves road safety campaigners seem to think that it is a really bright idea to erect roadside posters that distract drivers warning them - wait for it - not to be distracted whilst driving.

If anybody can explain this perverted logic I would love to hear from them. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Pope rips off Britain

This week sees the UK visit of His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI at a cost to the taxpayer that is likely to reach ~£15 million. But it seems that the only people who are really bothered are the BBC. Apparently one event at Coventry airport was designed to cater for 200,000 people but this has been scaled down to 50,000 and tickets are reportedly being given away to schoolchildren due to lack of interest. Well, I say tickets; they are officially known as "pilgim passes" - what is that all about FFS? And who would pay £25 to listen to some bloody old fool spouting a load of outdated bollocks with no relevance to modern society.

During his visit the Holy Father is expected to reiterate his homophobia and once again urge true Christians to do some more breeding so we do not get over-run by Muslims and all turn black. This will be great for promoting racial and religious tolerance in our land. He will probably once again denounce condoms as the work of Satan which virtually amounts to genocide when one considers the spread of HIV/AIDS in Africa due to unprotected sex. He will no doubt continue to ignore the issue of child abuse in the RC Church and conveniently forget about his membership of the Hitler Youth.

Meanwhile, his entourage are being put up, at taxpayers' expense, in five star hotels costing over £1000 per night and are even being given £150 of our money as daily spending allowances. What the hell is that all about? Do they need to buy Union flags to wave or I LOVE London T-shirts? Whatever happened to the traditional vow of poverty from these holy men?

Is this the greatest rip-off ever by the Vatican, which, lest we forget, is one of the richest states on the planet with untold wealth in its vaults.

But let us return to the BBC. As TV licence fees have soared above inflation the grossly over-paid DG, Mark Thompson, has assigned an estimated 400 staff to live coverage of the visit despite the fact that most events will occur when most honest folks will be at work and the rest of the rabble who probably don't pay licence fees anyway will be watching Jeremy Kyle.

This whole pantomime is the greatest con trick ever perpetrated on the British taxpayer. 

Why it's obvious that God is British

In a week when we have a Floridan nutcase preacher with a massive congregation of, er, well, say two dozen, who wants to start another Jihad by burning copies of the Koran, AutoRant reflects that it is clearly obvious that God is British.

For a start, you do not shit in your own back yard. This is why Britain doesn't have tsunamis or earthquakes (well apart from a few rumblings in the Midlands in order to keep the Brummies on their toes) and why He makes volcanoes in Eyjafjallaj√∂kull to teach the Icelanders a lesson for nicking our cod and threatening our chip shops in Whitby. Because God invented fish and chips for His Great British people and just gave the French some snails and frog's legs.

It explains why we have a green and pleasant land inhabited by fluffy bunnies whereas Muslims have to live in the desert with scorpions and why they cannot have beer or bacon sandwiches. Because God made those for the British, His own people.

God gave Britain Pink Floyd, Her Majesty the Queen and Doctor Who and the Yanks had to put up with second best in the form of Michael Jackson, George Bush and The Simpsons.

And of course God created the Red Arrows for Britain whilst the Americans had to make do with that midget Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

The evidence is clearly irrefutable.